That is the golden question.
The colic inconsolable cries (due to tummy troubles) are over but it has been replaced by Santi's 'I-am-sleepy-but-I-can't-sleep' crying fits. Everyday before he naps and sleeps, I sling him, nurse him, dance/walk and struggle for at least 30 minutes before he konks out. On a good day, he naps once in the morning, once or twice in the afternoon and sleeps 10 hours (with feeding intervals) during the night. On a bad day? No naps during the day and lots of crying and screaming in his sleep at night.
More or less I see a pattern though. During weekdays when I can control the lights and sounds in our home, it is easier for me to do the 'whole production' to get him to sleep. On weekends, when we dutifully visit our extended families or go to the mall for errands, the difficulty increases. Santi easily gets aroused by bright, colorful surroundings and overstimulated by all the people who love to play with him. How do I say it politely, "Please stop playing peekaboo with my baby, he gets overstimulated. You can't see it now but I will be the one paying for it later on." or "Please don't look him in the eye because he is sleepy and when you make eye contact he gets excited and that adds to another 30 minutes of me walking him in the sling to get him back to that sleepy state." Believe me, weekends always turn sour. I need the whole 5-day week to recuperate.
Other people just don't get it. They have never met a high need baby, I think? Even I did not know these rare breed of babies existed. Not until I had my own. I used to equate cry babies to annoying, sad babies with bad mums. Now I know better.
Why oh why is my Santi a high need baby? Was it because of all the junk food I ate during my pregnancy? Was it because of his double cord coil or the ungentle ceasarian birth? I really want to know.
I cannot imagine how unhappy he would be without my breastfeeding (every hour during the day and every 2-3 hours at night), co-sleeping (since birth) and babywearing (all day long). Because despite all of these things, he still cries a lot. And it breaks my heart into a million little pieces each time. I even worry he senses that I get frazzled by his cries, and cries even more. Aiya, that cycle of stress.
I know I am not a bad mum. I try my best and yet, it seems, it isn't enough. I wish I could do more, do something about all his discomforts.
You see, this is the reason why I do not want to hire a yaya. Because mum's don't give up on their children.
Haaay Santipoop. You truly are made out of my blood, sweat and tears! This is love. It's as real as it can get.