Wednesday, August 29, 2007

Mummy Burns Out

I give and I give and I give and he takes and takes and takes...more than I can handle.

Mummy is going through a burn out. I believe so because I already have evil scenes of me accidentally hitting his head or him falling out the window. This is scaring me because I think I'm going a little cuckoo. I know I love him and will never do anything to hurt him but why are those bad thoughts entering my head?

I mentioned that it takes at least 30 minutes for Santi to nap/sleep. Last night it took him 3 hours to sleep. From 6:00 to 9:00pm I was slinging and nursing and rocking. He'd fall asleep but if I tried putting him down he'd wake up and I'd have to do 'the works' all over again. Again, it took me the whole day today just to get him to nap. Even when asleep, he will not unlatch.

How can I enjoy his company when I'm dead tired and more concerned about him getting his rest? How much longer can I take? Does it get better? It seems to get harder each day. I am exhausted, sad and mad. Exhaustion from round-the-clock nursing, sleep deprivation, slinging and rocking. I am sad and mad because I sometimes question WHY ME? there are so many less dedicated mums out there with non-high need babies. What did I do to deserve this? I really feel like I'm being punished or tested.

My baby is thriving, I am not.

I know that this shall pass but a day can sure feel like an eternity with a high need baby. :_(


glenville said...

just hang in there. my baby was the same. i had a difficult time putting him to sleep. it would literally take hours. as soon as i put him in his crib, he'd wake up. my husband thinks it's because my baby was circumcised at birth (hence, there was more pain in addition to the healing umbilical thingie). i delivered via cs too. have you ever considered getting a yaya? a happy parent is a more efficient parent. yayas can alleviate some of those tiring mommy duties. if not, try this trick: wrap santi tightly in a double swaddle before putting him down. don't remove your arms yet while he's on the bed or crib for a minute or two. very gently take your arms out under him when he seems to have settled down nicely and put plenty of small pillows snug tightly around your baby. lastly, put a worn shirt or dress near your baby - the scent will make him think you're still around. good luck!

Izzy said...

So sorry to hear that you're at this difficult time. I remember those days well. I've had those thoughts of hurting my son too, though of course I never did it. It happens when you're so tired you can't think straight. I used to hand my son off to my husband when he comes home from work.

My suggestion is to take time for yourself even if it's just a couple of hours. With me, my "me" time was a bubble bath once a week. It was amazing how much it recharged me, making me able to handle my high-need son for another week without feeling burned out. You'll also be amazed how differently your son behaves with a different adult.

Hang in there. My son is now 2 years old and the same high-need traits that made the first year highly frustrating, now makes him such a funny, intelligent little man.

dharmadreams said...

Hi Glenville,

I used to wrap Santi in a swaddle but he has gotten too big for all the blankets PLUS he gets warm really fast. Also, he does NOT unlatch even while asleep so its best that I sleep beside him and get some Zzzs as well when he actually does konk out.

M brings it up, hiring a yaya, but I just know if we hire one she's almost be useless as Santi is forever nursing. And I am still uncomfortable with the idea of someone else (not family) holding him.

Thanks for the support though! It gives me that glimmer of hope just knowing that there are others like me who have survived this high-need ordeal.

dharmadreams said...

Hi Izzy,

Yes, I do give Santi to M when he gets home from work. This is the only way I get to take a bath everyday! :P

donna said...

hang in there, i had the same thoughts too. your body has just been through a lot, your hormones are all over the place, you haven't slept, so naturally you won't be able to think straight.
you might consider having a family member to stay even for a few weeks just to hold him when he's not nursing. i gave up in the first month - we asked my sister-in-law, then my cousin-in-law (who each stayed for two weeks) then my mother-in law (who was here for 3 months) to come to tokyo and help. and i was able to sleep during the times when she wasn't nursing. you have to take care of yourself first before you can take care of your baby - don't worry about not enjoying him as much yet - you will have so much time to do that in the latter months. i remember that my goal during the early months was just to get some sleep and get through the day. not fun, but we made it. you will too.

dharmadreams said...

You're right Donns..I just prolly need rest. I don;t think kase I can leave Santi with anyone at this point. You won't believe how fast he gets tired and wants to sleep. It's actually the process of getting him to sleep which takes up most of the time. More pa than his playful moments or even sleep!

deelirious said...

one day at a time love:)

Rhea said...

hi monica! kaya mo yan, dear. like you always said, there's no limit to the love you can give to your child. The Lord has a reason why he made Santi that way, and why of all mothers, He chose you to be his mom. Feel blessed dear. Kung ibang mommy yan, baka super give up na. Like everyone else hear says, hang on. :)

jencc said...

hi monix, i agree with rhea. you were chosen. i also agree with glenville. it's most important that you're happy. and if you need someone to take santi during the day for a few hours lang, then maybe you should consider getting an assistant. i was like you when paul was a baby. i couldn't take 5 min baths, masyadong mahaba na yun. we would carry him while he takes naps, para lang mahaba ang tulog. well, it pays off in the end. kevin, on the other hand, was such an easy baby, thank goodness! (so maybe, sa baby 2 mo, mas madali---but i'm sure you're not EVEN thinking about it! hahahahaha!)

dharmadreams said...

Hello Rhea and Jen,

Yes, I have come to terms it. I think I was 'chosen' to bring out the best parent in me. If Santi didn't turn out like this, I wouldn't have done that much research and all.

I know a happy parent is a more effective/efficient one but I can't fathom getting a yaya (yet). Hanggang kaya ko pa naman. That day I blogged about my burn out was indeed a bad day. Today was a good day...thank god!

Oh and yes, I can't think about having another baby at this point! Hehehe

By NATURE said...

hello, monica! i know how you're feeling now about not getting a yaya for santi at this age. i had the same sentiments when i had our first born. i was determined to be a full-time and hands-on mom for as long as i could manage to. i'd have days with no bath 'coz i couldn't leave my son. he had a big appetite and i had to breastfeed him almost every hour, plus having to burp him after then let him sleep. i was able to endure it for 6 months, then i let his yaya come in the picture when he started with solids. we had the yaya when he was only 1 month but what she did was only assist me (i was also training her at the same time). i also had my frustrations then but having a "reliever" helped a lot. now, with our second son, i had a yaya take care of him as early as when he was 2 months because i had to resume work. i knew that i couldn't do the same thing for our second son 'coz it'll really burn me out. important thing is you know your limits. anyway, santi will be napping longer soon so you'll have more time for rest, then you'll enjoy play-time with him more. you may also want to check out for more info. the mere fact you're doing a lot of research goes to show that you're being a great mom to santi. btw, jen's right. it actually gets easier with the second child 'coz you've "been there, done that". :)


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