Tuesday, June 12, 2007

When Cows Let Go.

I am chained to my 1 month old son because I exclusively breastfeed him. Therefore, I am officially his cow. He milks me anytime od the day. Not only that, he is a high-need baby; wanting me close to him all the time. In the middle of my showers & lunches, I hear him wail for me. Being the soft-hearted mum, I rush to his aid, dropping whatever I am doing. This feels natural to me. My mum instincts tell me that this is just right.

But I also have to be practical - I can't be with him 24/7 forever. (Oh my poor baby!) I also have to nurture myself and my relationship with my partner. I should be able to balance my time and energy on being a mother & a wife. Since my son was born, I have not left his side. I also haven't had some alone time with myself (aside from showering) and my partner. Aiya!

So, I finally decided to open the box in my closet containing the Avent Isis Manual Pump to learn how to express and store breastmilk. I figured that I can leave my son for a few hours with my parents when I'd want a dinner and movie date someday.

This morning I fed my little one 3oz of pumped breastmilk from an Avent bottle. I don't know why but I suddenly felt a tinge of jealousy as he greedily finished every drop of milk from that bottle instead of my breast. No nipple confusion whatsoever by the way :P It just felt so wrong holding that bottle and feeding him from it when he can just feed directly from me...the 'real food source'.

To my surprise, my friend Dee sent me a text message this afternoon saying she feels good when Ben feeds from her because she (also) got jealous from her 2 month old's new discovery - his thumb! (A few days ago, Ben started thumb-sucking which she caught on video and a few photos. I thought it looked so cute!)

We both agreed that this is a start of letting go. Our babies are so young yet they are already starting their path to real independence. I can't help but refer to the piece by Kahlil Gibran on children & parenting below:

Your children are not your children.
They are the sons and daughters of Life's longing for itself.
They come through you but not from you,
And though they are with you, yet they belong not to you.
You may give them your love but not your thoughts.
For they have their own thoughts.
You may house their bodies but not their souls,
For their souls dwell in the house of tomorrow, which you cannot visit, not even in your dreams.
I am a cow... and I have to slowly let go.

Edited -

Take note that I was not able to give Santi the bottle with my breastmilk for more than just maybe 2-3 times during the whole duration of his breastfeeding career. I found it much more challenging to pump than breastfeed directly. No judgement whatsoever to other moms.

1 comment:

donna said...

that picture is hilarious!!!

and i never thought about it that way, but i'm a cow too! hahaha!

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